last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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