i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Please don't give away my fajitas
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
