Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
