My cat gives me a boner
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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