I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
