I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
