why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
