Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
