I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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