OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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