i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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