I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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