I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
