I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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