sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
