my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I woke up under a house in Key West
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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