On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
