Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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