My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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