You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
