please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
