If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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