Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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