Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
