I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
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constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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