I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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