Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
