Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
