So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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