she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
