I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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