I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
