I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Randomize
