Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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