should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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