Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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