man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
