Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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