While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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