I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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