It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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