Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
