well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I met the friendliest cop last night
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
