In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
