he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
