Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
