I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
