i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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