so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
