There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
