I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
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Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
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Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize