So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
