You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
