He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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