You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
