These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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