respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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